Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
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“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
When you don’t understand how floors work
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!