Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
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if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Just parrot things
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.