*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
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I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!