Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
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“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
me adding lol on a serious message
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.