Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
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I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight