Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
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*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.