nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
They grow up so quick
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I falcon love using swear birds
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…