As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
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Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
smh
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”