“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Uh oh…
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
mom had nothing to worry about
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
my mind
You just read my mind
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep