It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
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model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing