A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
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James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.