Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”