Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
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Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.