6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
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Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝