i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
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Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.