Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.