Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
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Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.