In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
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A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
All excellent questions
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Just a bush.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.