What did this chicken ever do to them?? 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It鈥檚 beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I鈥檒l leave please don鈥檛 hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don鈥檛 tell my wife I鈥檓 going to play 2 am hockey
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you鈥檙e eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather鈥檚 looking like tomorrow
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Me: I can鈥檛 come to work, I鈥檓 snowed in.
Boss: It hasn鈥檛 snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 馃槅馃槄馃檳
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You鈥檙e gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.