A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I’m not stressed
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup