On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
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Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?