No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Here’s a meme
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.