No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”![]()
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I’m about to risk it all
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Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.