Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
What flavor cupcake are these
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?