@MythicPicnic I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
@ArfMeasures SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
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@MythicPicnic 
@blamingboredom Seals are just dog mermaids.
@CroweJam Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
@david8hughes [cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
@devondaigle9 A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
@PhuckinCody HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
@shesatornado My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
@NikiWithIssues I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
@LionessElise This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
@ElgatoEsmio If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.