@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

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@MythicPicnic

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

@david8hughes

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

@devondaigle9

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

@PhuckinCody

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

@shesatornado

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

@NikiWithIssues

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

@LionessElise

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

@ElgatoEsmio

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.