SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

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I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous


[cops knock on my door]
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”


A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back


HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.


My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.


This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:


If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.