Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
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Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
This will never not be funny to me.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.