Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds


wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!


WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap


I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.


[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn


Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.


The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.


The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm