@Reverend_Scott Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
@Marilyn_Res Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
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@Reverend_Scott 
@SortaBad “So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
@iwearaonesie wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
@Brampersandon_ WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
@Cheeseboy22 I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
@mrjohndarby [at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
@Julian_Deane Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
@WritingWilkie The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
@nekolot The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
@theregoesrichie I enjoy a good short stor