My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
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Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.