Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
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Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.