I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
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Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Just me?
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave