Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
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After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog