doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.