I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
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Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.