Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
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Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.