My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
You Might Also Like
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
🤣🤣🤣
Thursday Thought.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician