purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
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marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
God has abandoned us.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Only short people can save us
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters