Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
You Might Also Like
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
fixed it
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?