me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Cucumbers Anonymous
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?