just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
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We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
peak technology
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?