My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You Might Also Like
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Comparing yourself to others
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
new wife guy just dropped
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them