My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*pronounces patio like ratio
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
A friend helps you before you need it
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!