My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You Might Also Like
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
My work here is don’t.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
One of the best
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?