im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Actually cracking up @ this
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
yeet
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now