Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
You Might Also Like
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.