me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”