With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
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WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
im all 3