Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
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me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous