Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
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Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.