Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!