Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
You Might Also Like
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.