mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
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Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.