my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
You Might Also Like
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
This is Sparta
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Bringing home a sharpie
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”