chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
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Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Cucumbers Anonymous
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
#Caturday
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON