[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
men, we mow at sunrise.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!